It’s been a while since I chose trainers over heels. And it took much much longer until I could see myself through eyes of others. From outside. To finally appreciate the person I became over years. That I don’t need to be self-called influencer because I genuinely attract people. I get best out of people. I see the best in them. Because there is so much to see. And all the energy I share on regular basis, it doesn’t go to waste. Today I finally got it. That those people see me. That they like me. That they believe in me.
And I’ve never believed in myself. There was no reason to believe. There was nothing to believe in. Nothing to appreciate. I was no one. And the only thing that changed over years? Is the fact that I don’t need to prove anything to anyone. And by anyone – I mean myself in first place. I never believed in myself as I’ve never felt proud. I was always scared. Of everything. Of everyone. Of the world. Yet I’ve moved out from my home town, from my country, from my roots. About 4 times.
I always wanted to be someone better. Someone else. Something unattainable. Always wanting better job, better life, better bigger brighter. After I realised all I need is me, there was no need for brighter, there was something inside of me, that finally switched on. The sparkle was always there.
And I’m no longer afraid. Yet I feel uncomfortable. But I do things anyway. Because it is ok to be uncomfortable. It is ok to be no one. Being you is the best thing that can ever happen to you.
Maybe I was always scared because I’m girl. Because I was raised not to stand out. Raised to listen and do what was expected from me. Not to draw attention. Go quietly through life. I was always the smallest kid of the whole class. Skinny, weak. I was never really particularly pretty. Until I grew up and realised I can be wildly attractive instead.
I can attract people. With all my imperfections. With being bit weird. Sometimes bit awkward. Way too honest. Bit cheeky. Very cheeky. Always ready to laugh. And share smiles. And share my time, my energy, pieces of my life. Being very average doesn’t make me special. But it makes me more real. Like the girl next door you will fall crazy in love with even when you were always dreaming about top model from advert. Because the girl next door is real.
Isn’t it something all of us are looking for? Just to be comfortable being ourselves? Just to accept for once that perfect is not really sustainable. And as much as it looks awesome at first, it is usually fake.
Introvert at the heart, running forced me to get out of my shell. But I still prefer writing over talking. Small bunch over big crowd. Empty trail over crowded city. One good friend over full social media. Talking about books over fashion. And trainers. Trainers over heels. Always.