It’s been a while since I scribbled some words down.
Few races, another stitches in the knee, many tears but also big smiles later, here I am.
And I feel like human again.
It is hard sometimes, you know?
You trying to be perfect while being so imperfect.
You trying to say things but you have no words left.
And then you say “fuck it”. And you just give up. And after so many years of trying… after so many months of growing frustration.. you suddenly realise, that was the actual answer. The answer to everything. That walking out of the door sometimes actually solves things. That sometimes you need to let it go. In order to start again.
Like a bird that is learning to fly. Excited to leave the nest. To taste the newly discovered feeling of freedom. New heights. New lows. Until you realise you don’t know how to fly. You forgot to live. You built yourself a tower and lived in your fantasies. And as you were always shit at being a princess you forgot to grow the long hair. So no one can save you. You just need to stand up, walk down the stairs, find the door and realise that waiting for a miracle is never supposed to gonna save you in first place.
So here, I left the fantasy tower I prisoned myself in. Crushed and burned some dreams and expectations. Mostly my own ones. When something comes to an end, it feels so sudden. But this (everything-but-happy) end was coming a very long way. And as much as I love running I just couldn’t run anymore. I had to change direction and face it.
I could stay for another 10 years. I could. I could live in my internal misery. I could live for someone else. I could forget about myself. I could be unhappy. I could be frustrated. I could feel lonely. I could. I was. I could not feel loved ever again. I could not feel wanted. Ever again. I could. I was. I could do it all for another 10 years. Maybe more. Definitely more. When you care for someone, you do all for them. You get used to being sad and lonely and miserable deep inside. And you learn to cope with it. You even tend to believe it is you. That you need to try harder. But no matter how hard you try, you are not succeeding.
And what do I do when I don’t do well? When I don’t succeed at first? I try. I try harder. I try more. I am persistent. I am stubborn. I don’t just give up.
But I did.
Was it my failure?
Was it me not trying hard enough?
Was it me just walking off from something I promised?
But you can not move the world when your hands are tighten behind your back.
You can not change someone.
You can not make someone happy – no matter how hard you try.
You can not save the world.
You can not save a drowning relationship when you can’t swim yourself.
You can not live when you don’t love.
You can not stay when you are not loved.